Friday, 23 August 2013


We live in a singlist world. It doesn't do to be 'just the one'. Couple up or be banished to restaurant Siberia. Don't even think about walking into a bar and having a drink by yourself. Prepare to be treated like a weirdo when you travel alone and not obviously on business.
I don't hear many men moaning about this, but some of my girlfriends in full-blown-rose mode - the irresistible fragility we achieve, just before our petals drop off - seem almost suicidal about solo-dom.

Snap out of it, weepers. Get happy. Stop waiting for the fantasy that the future may never bring. Haven't we all resisted retiring to an echo-y bedchamber, wishing there were someone to cuddle ... but haven't we all, also, if only now and then, wished that the head on the other pillow wasn't his ?

All your friends are happily married? Zoom: how many of those gargoyle husbands would you swap your freedom for? Why do we need another human being to validate who we are?
Compromising one's existence for second best is never a good idea. Single life is pretty desirable, most of the time. The smug marrieds may conspire to have us believe otherwise, but only because it is they who crave validation.

Burn the Dyptique candles. Fling out the old bedlinen infested with memories, and make a date with the White Company. Fill the freezer with Haagen Dazs and king prawns. Eat them together if you like, in bed, while watching old episodes of  'Thunderbirds'. Lust all you like after Geoff Tracey. Wake up to pristine sheets.

Partners come and go. The only person you can rely on for the rest of your life is you. Make friends. Treat her nicely and she'll treat you in turn to years of good, honest fun. Your mates like her. Most of your married girlfriends secretly envy her.

Everything ends. Every blissful match made in heaven concludes with a heart torn in two.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013


RosieVirgo and I discussed a few folk, mutual and otherwise. She nodded sagely.
'The urban sociopath', she declared. 'Beware. A lot of them about these days.'
Who is he?
Look around you, friends. Take note. There is at least one in your life.

He's often a relatively high-achiever, a bit 'alpha', who can't or won't 'fit in.'
He has a conscience like a sieve, or lacks one completely.
He is always in the right. It's everyone else who is wrong.
He cares only about himself. The rest of us are for his benefit.
He is reptilian, cold-blooded, he barely blinks.
He is egocentric. he has an exaggerated sense of self-worth.
He is a predator, with a lust for life, power and total control - over money, people or situations, which he strives to achieve through superficial charm, manipulation, intimidation, aggression and sometimes violence.
He can be delusional, irrational, and is rarely remorseful.

A sociopath may be made (nature/nurture), or true (he was born that way). There are other kinds, every shade of grey, but aren't we all bored with those?

He can be callous, over-sexed, and contemptuous of women. He is mostly incapable of long-term relationships, whether with a partner, children, colleagues or friends. He can be sublimely charismatic. Irresistible, even. But he doesn't give a flying fuck about you. He lies compulsively. He is more qualified than you knew he could be. He is writing a best-seller. He is about to hit the big-time. He once served in the SAS. He he knows personally the guy who killed the Princess of Wales. He has seen both the bullet and the Fiat, never found. He was once a millionaire but the Government robbed him. He now banks exclusively off-shore. He has a safe at home containing £3 million-worth of gems.

He'll tell you he is in love with you on the first date: he is a fantasist, too. He will push every boundary of sexual behaviour, or attempt to, and try to compromise you beyond. He will never feel guilt. He cannot learn from his mistakes. He is incapable of understanding what he is supposed to have done. He thinks that this post is all about him. Carly Simon knew.

London seems to be crawling with deadly losers these days. Other cities, countries and continents too. What happened to the human race?

Go well, my daughters. I have been here. I am watching. I bite.